Nurturing faith through motherhood

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah

Alhamdulillah, the feedback from the last two blogs has been extremely encouraging. May Allah reward you all for taking the time to message with kind words of consideration. Ameen

Motherhood can often seem an insurmountable a task. I know many of us are at different points in our motherhood journey – and yet I am always assured that as they grow older so too do the problems. No matter the stage of motherhood, the reality is that we live with this massive responsibility that is our children. Every class we take is chosen around their schedules and times. Every purchase is connected to a deep need that they have. `Like those moments when they were attached to us in the womb: we are undeniably attached – no matter how big they may be.

`Reflecting on this I quickly realized that we could not delay our spiritual needs to a time more suited. To a perfect moment. And so in the middle of juggling a toddler and a newborn baby, I decided to make a shift. To look at my motherhood journey as the means of building my Imaan.

DEVELOPING RIFQ – IN THOUGHT, IN ACTIONS AND MY REACTIONS

The first step was to learn the lesson of “rifq” – kindness. This seemed like a tiny task. I mean it isn’t difficult to be kind, is it? And then I was tested: kindness to my husband at two am when I had been running between rooms as one child woke another. Kindness to my children when I wanted to be selfish and just curl up with a book and a cup of coffee. Kindness to myself when I belittled the great work of motherhood.

As the tug-of-war of motherhood pulled me between loving those moments and feeling overwhelmed - looking at it all through the lenses of faith made me stop, slow down, and slowly learn. learn to walk slowly and enjoy the greenery, to stop rushing on a timeline that overlooks the little ones as treasures, and find peace and calm in those everyday interactions.

Abu Huraira reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever is kind, affable, and easy-going, Allah will forbid him from entering Hellfire.”

Source: al-Sunan al-Kubrá lil-Bayhaqī 20806

‘A’isha, the wife of Allah’s Apostle (ﷺ), reported that Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said:

‘A’isha, verily Allah is kind and He loves kindness and confers upon kindness which he does not confer upon severity and does not confer upon anything else besides it (kindness).

LEARNING TO LET GO OF RELIANCE ON MYSELF

In motherhood, worry and a heavy mental load go hand in hand. As we complete one task we quickly rush to the next task. As we finish a punnet of strawberries and blueberries, we are worrying about the mid-afternoon snacks or lunch boxes for the next day. I usually found myself preparing for things that were days to come and carefully planning out my schedules and meal plans and the snack bags and water bottles and and and… Now, don’t get me wrong I love productivity so these were essential to my life as a mother – however, there comes a moment when you realize that you are mothering from an ego-centered focus. You tell yourself, “Everybody needs me”; “without me, this house does not function” and it goes on and on. The biggest whisper of Shaitan is “I take care of everyone, yet no one worries about me”.

Yes, I did a lot, still do a lot as a mother. But drawing my strength from a depleted ego was further depleting me. I remember reading a dua just before sleeping and contemplating the meaning (about two years ago now) and it just hit me. I needed to reshift. The more I fed my ego with these never-ending thoughts of “me, my, and I “. I quickly understood the power of my “Allahummah”. Taking my ‘self’ out of my mothering meant that I began to look at every moment as an opportunity for grace and appreciation. relying on the Lord of the worlds suddenly took all my mental fatigue and worry away like a pin to a balloon.

The work was still there. the lists didn’t go away. The complaints still threatened to burst at the seams of me – but suddenly I was not alone. I could hand it over and watch Allah take care of it all. Surrender and submission. Ibn Abbas reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, used to say:

اللَّهُمَّ لَكَ أَسْلَمْتُ وَبِكَ آمَنْتُ وَعَلَيْكَ تَوَكَّلْتُ وَإِلَيْكَ أَنَبْتُ وَبِكَ خَاصَمْتُ اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِعِزَّتِكَ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أَنْتَ أَنْ تُضِلَّنِي أَنْتَ الْحَيُّ الَّذِي لَا يَمُوتُ وَالْجِنُّ وَالْإِنْسُ يَمُوتُونَ

O Allah, I have surrendered to you and I have faith in you. I trust in you and I have turned to you. I have contested my opponents for your sake. O Allah, I seek refuge in your power from going astray, for there is no God but you. You are the Living who never dies, while the jinn and humans die.Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 6948, Grade: Muttafaqun Alayhi

FROM ZERO TO HUNDRED: LEARNING TO CONTROL THE STORM :

As a mother reading this, you know exactly what I mean by it. You are kind and understanding and encouraging and serving – until you are not. It’s like a slow build-up to a massive explosion. Growing up we experienced this with our own mothers and women around this and to a certain extent we take it as a given, as a normal part of motherhood. But as I saw this habit growing within me, I wondered why – was it just hormones? or maybe the deeper feeling of constantly nurturing and yet not getting any praise or thanks?

After what seemed to be the hundredth unexplainable emotional outburst- I finally made a firm dua for change. At the root of it - I found that as mothers we slowly fade into the background. We become the support and our husbands and children become the stars of every moment. This makes us incredibly angry. Our needs, wants and dreams are all secondary. We love our families and feel guilty for feeling so upset by them and so every so often we explode and all the seeming "unfairness' spills out.

I prayed and desperately asked Allah Ta’ala for a way out. It didn’t happen overnight but slowly I began speaking to Allah, to admit the human weakness I felt. Letting out the burden to Allah and asking Him to grant me the ability to navigate motherhood without anger or guilt, allowed me to ask the difficult question: “Are you doing these acts from a sense of obligation or responsibility?”, or, “Are you doing it to please Allah Ta’ala?” It takes a lot to divorce the ego from an act of service, to remove the victim mind frame, and to shift mothering from “I have to” to “alhamdulillah I get to”.

This dua helped me and still serves as a reminder as I constantly falter and lose my way.

Ibn Abbas reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said:

رَبِّ اجْعَلْنِي لَكَ شَكَّارًا لَكَ ذَكَّارًا لَكَ رَهَّابًا لَكَ مِطْوَاعًا لَكَ مُخْبِتًا إِلَيْكَ أَوَّاهًا مُنِيبًا رَبِّ تَقَبَّلْ تَوْبَتِي وَاغْسِلْ حَوْبَتِي وَأَجِبْ دَعْوَتِي وَثَبِّتْ حُجَّتِي وَسَدِّدْ لِسَانِي وَاهْدِ قَلْبِي وَاسْلُلْ سَخِيمَةَ صَدْرِي

O Lord, make me grateful to You, remembering of You, fearful of You, obedient to You, humble to You, penitent and repenting. O Lord, accept my repentance, wash away my sin, answer my supplication, establish my proof, direct my tongue, guide my heart, and remove the rancor from my chest.Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 3551, Grade: Sahih